Thoughts in the moonlight

What is it about the nighttime? People like my parents are so different in the day than when the sun is down. During light hours, they are so productive. Anything and everything they do furthers some sort of objective, whether that objective is not far off or many years down the road. At night however, its funtime. Whether it's drinks with friends (reminiscing about the productiveness earlier that day, as if they were never going to be that productive again), or just watching a movie.

I often find myself depressed at night, wondering where my life is headed. If I have been drinking or smoking weed, the thoughts usually crossing my mind are related to either sex or food (and how to obtain either the fastest way possible). Keep in mind its not usually til an hour or two before I go to bed that these negative thoughts start bouncing around the room, but it is so consistent... why is that?

I just finished watching The Rainmaker, I always appreciate a good courtroom drama, no matter how ridiculous. At first it made me glad that I did not pursue a career in Law, I can only imagine the choices I would have had to make. I assume John Grisham touches on this subject in almost all of his novels, choosing to defend a man clearly guilty of .... well anything... just so I could put food on the table is a burden I would never ever want to bear. I would just loose my appetite, oh sweet irony.

And of course, per usual, if I watch any good movie, by myself, late at night, I get waaay too into it. My first thoughts walking away from it are along the lines of ..."I want to help people too... Corperate Execs are such awful people... I would make sure people dont get away with things like this..." Even now as reality sets in, I still feel the optimism coursing through my veins.

But... Tomorrow when I wake up, I will have no such feelings as I do now. I already know it.

I sit here, with the ache. The ache I know how to cure, but will not do so.

The ache... knowing that I have any and every ability... to help people

...knowing that I have the ability... to make a serious difference in anything that I see fit

...knowing that I can do whatever I want with my life. Then I realize, that probably...knowing is all I will ever do.

So I sit here...